Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Lemmings and such

Can't sleep. I guess this is an opportunity to post another gratuitous cute baby shot. The other picture is of Daisy up a tree. Silly cat.

Helen "Of Troy" over at kindly offered some tips on photo placement and orientation. I'm still struggling, but hoping to have a prettier blog by 2008.

It's 11:16 p.m., which is past my bedtime. I need to be to work at 7, and my 32 year old body can no longer function on limited sleep. I suppose I could blame ZEN, but that's probably not entirely fair. She's a good little sleeper. I want to knit, but I don't want to go downstairs, because I worry I will fall asleep down there and not hear my alarm, and be late for work. There are solutions, simple solutions. I could knit the projects I have up here (a sock, but I'm too tired for size 2 dpns, or another special request by my husband from Naughty Needles, which I'm just kind of bored with for now). Downstairs I have Clapotis, MS3 and Shedir. Those are my happy projects on which I am focused. I am excited to knit on those. I guess I'm a bit of a lemming. I tend to pick projects that everyone else has done, or is doing. Is that my own insecurity? My own lack of creativity? My own laziness? Perhaps it's actually quite clever, tending toward the tried and true so as to avoid the pitfalls of unchartered territory? I'll be honest with myself; it's probably not the latter. My 32-year-old self has become aware that I am not particularly exceptional in any way, which is, I suppose OK. I am an OK mother, an OK wife, an OK knitter, an OK attorney. I suppose I am competent. When I was young, I had this bizarre belief that everyone had one thing that they were the best at - maybe it was styling hair, maybe it was neurosurgery, maybe it was hopscotch. I realize now that everyone doesn't have such a gift. Most people are competent, I think, at some things. I guess that has to be enough? I know that I will never be the best knitter; I will never be clever enough to design cool patterns (or any pattern!). I know that I will never be Mother of the Year, but my daughter seems to like me for the most part (of course, I kind of have her over a barrel with the breastfeeding; she may be less impressed with me after she's weaned). I would like to be a better wife. I am married to a man who is remarkable in many ways. He's not a Christian, but he embodies the qualities that so many devout people proclaim to be important. He has this amazing ability to not judge people. It's something that I cannot wrap my way too catty mind around. I know people (ok, fine, I'm related to them) who leave Mass, and complain about things the minute they're out the door - the sermon, the singers, the person in front of them who was snoring, the person who didn't put anything in the donation basket, etc.). I have asked these people what is the point of church if you leave angry like that. They have not provided satisfactory answers. I know many people who attend church (I am also related to these people), and truly believe and seem to strive to practice the tenets of their faith - it makes sens to me that they attend Mass. My husband is also an amazing father. He has stayed home with ZEN for her first 8 months of life. He has done this, and still kept his job, and done really well at both. I could never do that. I could never be a successful stay-at-home mom. It has to be so much harder than going to work every day. My job has some pressures, when we're litigating or negotiating, but at the end of the day, it's a job. I'm not a doctor, lives are not in my hands. ZEN's life is in his hands every day, and he makes it work. They have this amazing bond. I am sad that she has to start daycare part-time next week, because I know it's going to kill him. My husband is amazing, and yet I still manage to get so annoyed with him. How can this be? Why do I not just focus on his wonderful qualities, of which there are so many, and ignore whatever trivial thing bothers me? I don't know. I am trying to become more and more aware of it, and correct the problem.

I shouldn't blog at 11:16 p.m. I blather on and on until 11:33 p.m. I suppose that's ok - the anonymity of this blogging world makes it so.

Want some cool stitch markers? Go to http://www, I don't have any myself yet, but a friend had them the other day, and they are ridiculously cute. What a talented person she is! She's remarkable. She is not a lemming!

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